September has always brought so many new things each year. It marks another trip around the sun for me. School begins, my first experience through a student’s eyes, and now as a parent.
The leaves on the trees turn to traditional shades of fall, the air turns crisp. We begin our return indoors, enjoying other things that make fall unique to different seasons. Holidays and family time and traditions.
And now, each September, we remember our sweet fourteen-year-old we lost three years ago.
Ironically enough, September is Suicide Awareness Month.
On grief
I would give up all the things to make this a thing we, or anyone else, didn’t need to be aware of.
The heartache doesn’t lessen with each passing year. Oh, how I wish it would.
In my last post, I talked about a podcast Rachel Hollis aired with Elizabeth Gilbert, and how she described addressing her fears. She said it’s as though she makes two cups of tea, and invites her fear to sit with her and join her in conversation. To let her fear have its moment so they can both move on in peace.
I feel the same with grief. Oh, I used to fight the waves of grief. I would get angry at all who left me. I would lash out at those left around me.
Now, I invite the grief in. I feel all the feelings, give them names, and let them have their moments with me.
I will sit in grief’s presence, feeling the waves wash over me.
Locally, I’ve been filling in for a co-worker and am currently teaching birthing classes. The waves of grief are similar to how I’ve been describing labor contractions in class.
As the wave of grief begins, take a deep cleansing breath. Breath through slowly as it peaks, and ride the wave down as the pain lessens. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. As the wave leaves, say goodbye with another cleansing breath. Fill your lungs with air, feel the little pockets in the depths of your chest expand. Breathe out, and blow off all the hard feelings.
Acknowledging grief is difficult, but necessary.
Life happens around us, with all its intricacies and nuances, whether or not we summoned them. How we respond, how we recover, is the important piece. You can curl and cower or you can learn to grow.
You can gather bits of knowledge or you can become bitter. It’s always your choice.
On aging
I’ve always looked forward to my birthday month. I have no shame in saying I love myself, and all the things that make me uniquely me. It’s taken me a long time to learn self-love, and my birthday is a celebration of how much I’ve grown.
I just turned 37. I spent the day at work, doing one of the things I love, with my work family.
I spent the weekend following with Mike’s family, and with our favorite photographer who has documented so many special moments in our lives.
Mike’s family is so special to me. I’ve never been apart of a family that’s so well-established with the same people playing the same parts.
The older I get, the fewer friends I have. The ones that have stayed are so special and dear to me. They say we age like wine, and I think the same with relationships.
Sure, you can pick up an $8 wine that was bottled a year ago. It’s fine to pair with a rushed meal or to grab in a pinch to bring somewhere. But how delicious is the one that’s aged, that you’ve tenderly maintained its temperature, carefully turning every few months!
I too love the results of my own aging. The wrinkles near my eyes mean I’ve laughed enough to etch the remnants of joy and happiness on my face.
The extra weight around my middle means I’ve carried children and brought them into this world. It means I’ve eaten well and enjoyed good company.
The older I get, the more I learn. I know that moments are fleeting, fights are temporary, and relationships take a lot of work.
I tuck these bits of knowledge away within myself, like treasures I’ve found.
On learning
September typically signals a new school year, and this year is no different for our not-so-little family.
What’s new is that we are now homeschooling all but the smallest two children.
We have our own reasons, but I can say that this has been a bit of a learning curve for us all.
When school was let out last March, Mike and I held our breath. What would it look like with the kids home all the time?
It turns out it looked quite fine, and as we rolled towards a new school year, everyone wanted to continue to stay home.
We’re all working out kinks and it is definitely requiring some refined time management skills, but it’s absolutely lovely being so involved in their education.
However you are schooling children this year, it’s like no other year we’ve dealt with before.
We need to show ourselves and our children grace as we move through this new season.
Be patient.
Learn and grow together.
Take your time and enjoy the moments we wouldn’t have otherwise.
Lean in, and love more.