Side note, guys… Years ago, I dreamt of being a slightly cooler version of Beth Moore. I started a blog back before they were the thing to do, and had posted a few extensive bible studies I had written.
And then my world turned upside down. My husband and I divorced. The air left my body.
I relied so heavily on my faith during that great loss. I remember praying over each step I took. Do I have this or this for breakfast? Where should I go today? How should I show up for my babies? Do I shower? Should I have a glass of water?
It was exhausting, and soothing. God’s guidance was balm for my wounds.
My favorite verse – the one that carried me most significantly through that experience – was Psalm 84:6.
As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
NIV
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
I quite literally wept on the pages of my bible that carried these words. They’ve long since dried, but the remnants of my pain are etched into wrinkly little scars dotting the thin and delicate pages.
When my first husband and I had begun our relationship at the tender age of sixteen we had little religious backgrounds on either sides of us. My family said I could be baptized only if I used toilet water, and my future husband told me he watched his first porn in the basement where he attended youth group. So, there’s that.
I started attending church when my oldest was a baby, mostly by myself. As a stay at home mom, I quickly became a volunteer fixture with all my free time and my desire to help with. all. the. things. Tom didn’t join me regularly, and much later cited my newfound faith as the reason for his unfaithfulness.
After our divorce,I met Jeff. My dad jokes that I’m the only person he’s ever met that only gets married and never dates, and aside from the few years where I really let my hair down, I don’t disagree.
When Jeff and I started dating, I didn’t know how to date. I didn’t know how to have boundaries. I only knew how to be a wife. And so, I did what was familiar to me. I cooked and brought meals to him. I did wife duties under a girlfriend title and no one is deserving of that, I don’t care who you are.
And then I ended up pregnant. Shortly after (and after I had to write a letter to our church body apologizing and asking for forgiveness of my very visible sins) I was fired from my job at the church because Jeff and I couldn’t bring ourselves to marry just because we were having a baby.
Queue the separation of Erin and Church.
I deleted my blog (and have not been able to find it since, unfortunately).
I felt abandoned and lost.
I was embarrassed and ashamed.
I tucked all of my bibles and books about theology away. I was hurt, so I locked them up as a gesture of contempt in boxes that lived in various garages as I moved.
And here I am again, at a crossroads.
I love God, and I miss my faith. I can feel Him gently and tenderly calling me back.
Ironically, I have again married someone who doesn’t share my beliefs. I used that as an excuse to keep my faith locked away in that proverbial box. I’ve hurt enough. No more.
Mike has recently made some pretty big life choices without any discussion between us. Perhaps to equalize the rebellion, I too will do the things laid on my own heart. He gave me permission to take care of myself, which I didn’t realize until now that I had the right to do so all along.
Psalm 84 speaks of pilgrims passing through a barren desert (you know, in the heat, uphill, without shoes just like how our parents said they trekked to school) to get to Jerusalem. It was a difficult journey in order to worship the Lord, and a testament to their faith. Their struggle turned to something beautiful, because they were obedient in their calling. Verse 7 says they literally go from strength to strength until they appear before Him. One hard step in front of the other. One day at a time.
I have quite the history, and God has turned many of my struggles into places of springs. My tears fed the ground they were shed on, and flowers grew in the wake of my pain. I can see the beauty in my path, and I know there is so much more to come.
I’ve been pretty transparent with my struggles here in my little corner of the internet, and this will be no different. I yearn for a relationship with God once more. I feel dried up, lost, hopeless. I crave the refreshing springs of God’s word. I need to be fed again, satiated.
And like always, my growth will be laid out here.
I hope you enjoy our journey, together.