How to Co-Parent Like a Boss

How it is.

Divorce is rough. It’s hard on kids, it’s hard on your relatives, and it’s hard on you and your ex.

Feelings are hot. Emotions are high. I get it. Mike and I have both previously been there.

The part we need to fix, the part we need to address, is not putting kids in the middle because that is 100% not okay.

Your children did not divorce your partner. You did. Your children didn’t ask to have their lives upended and divided between two households and two broken hearts. YOU did. Remember that. Always, always remember that your children did not ask for this situation and YOU need to help them navigate it as painlessly and smoothly as possible because that’s your job as their protector.

When parents use their kids to carry passive aggressive notes back and forth, when they alter their kids’ schedule for the sole purpose of getting back at their ex, when they withhold visitation out of hatred, they are assholes and they need to stop, because while they may be inconveniencing their ex, they are hurting their children.

You and your ex partner made these kids. You and your ex will ALWAYS be in their lives.

Do you really want to make their wedding day more stressful than NORMAL weddings already are because they’re terrified to have their parents in the same room? No, you don’t. Don’t be a jerk.

If you are bitter and hateful and you are not ready to let go of all the hurt, and you want to carry that cross, then by all means. You need to carry it alone. Do not make your children carry your baggage.

How it SHOULD be.

I am not asking you to make your ex’s life easier. I am not asking you to bend over backwards or accommodate their every whim.

I am asking you to put your children first.

We should ALL strive to lift the burden of divorce from our children, because it is not their responsibility to carry it.

You and your ex will always be on TEAM KIDS. Forever and ever. They are 50% of each of you, and they 100% love both of you. Be the bigger person, offer your child peace, and get along with their other parent because that makes your child’s life easier.

Share your kid’s sports schedule and teacher conference information. You don’t need to drive there together. But you can each, independently, show up for your kid.

Be flexible with scheduling, because shit happens. If the other party doesn’t reciprocate, that’s on them and not you. YOU can always choose to make your child’s life easier.

Show up for games. Let them see their relatives. Be supportive. LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. Whatever you choose to do, however you choose to act, LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. You are their entire world. Live up to that standard.

Tips for successful co-parenting.

• Be united in front of the kids. The two of you will ALWAYS be their parents. Your children will ALWAYS love both of you. Make big decisions together, and if you must, resolve disagreements not in front of your child.
• Set rules together, if possible. Make transitioning from one household to another as smooth as you are able.
• Be consistent. If a child is grounded in one house, do not unground them in yours to be the ‘good guy’. Your child is growing and learning, and the need consistency. Don’t confuse them just to one-up your ex. If you don’t agree with the punishment, discuss it with your ex.
• Be flexible. Rotate through sick days. Rotate through doctor appointments and dentist visits and whatever else there is. Parenting is rough, and you now have a backup person in your corner when it’s your parenting time. Hashtag winning. Make the most of it, and make sure you return the favors.
• Be NICE. Your child loves both of you equally. If your ex is a toxic person, your kid will figure it out on their own. The more you bash the other parent, the more hurt, confused, and resentful your child will become. Just because you don’t love your ex any more doesn’t mean your child doesn’t, or shouldn’t. Grow up, and set a good example.
• Communicate with your ex, not your child. Sending notes in children’s backpack with important information on it, or stressing your child out by forcing them to play messenger is a dick move. The ONLY thing you are doing is hurting your child. Keep messages professional and businesslike if you need, and ignore the snarkiness.
• Be forgiving. Sometimes the only way we can be forgiving is by choosing not to carry around past transgressions and past hurts. It isn’t giving the other party permission to behave the way they did; rather, it’s choosing not to burden yourself with that baggage any more. .
• Remember who is important. 100% of the time, it’s your kid. If your ex won’t cover a sports fee or buy socks, step up for your child and handle it. Do you really want to burden your child with the fact that their parents are arguing over who has to buy SOCKS? If you’re okay with that, you’re an asshole. Don’t be an asshole to your kid. They didn’t divorce you, they didn’t hurt you. They are YOUR child that YOU made. Love them. And then love them some more.

When successful co-parenting isn’t possible because of the other party.

Life isn’t easy. People can be jerks. The world isn’t perfect.

When you have to raise a child with someone who refuses to get along and put aside differences for the sake of the child you both created, it can make navigating co-parenting as difficult as the other party desires. It’s really unfortunate.

Here are some tips to deal with difficult exes:

• Set boundaries. Let them know you will not engage in arguments, you will not acknowledge rude or disrespectul behavior. Tell them you are available to ONLY discuss issues regarding your child. Ignore the rest.
• Take a breath. And then take another one. Your child doesn’t need to see you upset at their other parent. Remember, your child loves this person as much as they love you. Don’t blow up in front of your kid(s).
• Do what needs to be done. If the other parent is refusing to cover something that wasn’t laid out black and white in your custody papers, be the bigger person. If they’re supposed to split expenses, call the court and figure out how to hold them accountable. If your finances allow it, cover the expense so your child isn’t the one suffering.
• Remember that your child ALWAYS comes first. No matter what. They didn’t ask for the life their parents gave them. Make navigating two households as easy as possible for them. Life is hard enough, don’t burden them with your difficulties.

If the other parent refuses to co-parent, there isn’t much you can do. You can request court mediation or hearings. We’ve never been successful when trying that route. I don’t say this to discourage you, but sometimes you can only do so much.

Make the most of the time you have with your child. Be the support and encouragement they need. They didn’t ask to come from a broken home. Make it as easy as possible for your child to navigate. Be there for them. At the end of the day, your child is the most important person in this situation. They will figure out who was there for them and who wasn’t, who made life easier and who burdened them with adult problems.

No matter what, love your kids ❤️