Dude… I can’t even right now.
Mike and I had date night last weekend (it was FABULOUS!), and we left Abigail in charge of the boys. Usually that goes well, and everyone has lived to tell about it the next day.
Usually.
I received six – SIX – texts from Ab, escalating in panic on her end about the naughtiness of the boys. I instructed her to let them know they would lose their movie theater trip the next day if they kept it up. When she relayed the message to them? They laughed in her face, and called her names. Mike was ramping up, anxious that we might actually have to go home and handle the situation.
She sent them to their rooms, and they sat in their doorways cackling and whispering about her. She closed their doors, and they threw balls at the walls.
Mike and I returned home, and they were all sleeping. We briefly thought about stomping and slamming doors and bouncing balls off their walls to wake them, but decided we would discuss their behavior in the morning.
At breakfast, everyone was quiet. And then the boys started talking about the movie they were going to see later that afternoon…
Mike and I looked at each other.
“You really think you’re going to the movies today?” I asked incredulously.
“Well, yeah,” one of the boys responded. “We did chores to earn money to go to the movies.”
“Ah,” Mike said. “But Abigail told you last night if you kept on disobeying you wouldn’t go to the movie, right?”
The boys looked at each other, squirming in their seats. One of them nods.
“So….” I start out. “You guys were made fully aware of the consequence for being disobedient. And you chose to continue to be disobedient. Is that correct?”
More nodding.
“Did she also make you guys aware that if you continued to be rude and disobedient, you would lose your electronics for the rest of the week?” I asked.
Hesitation, then more nodding.
And now there’s a pile of electronics on my kitchen counter. And really, I think I punished myself way more than I punished them, because they are. constantly. in. my. business. now.
Kids are insanely quick to adapt. And when you throw out empty threats, they will remember for ever and hound you until you break. That doesn’t make them ‘bad.’ If our boss doesn’t care if we leave work a few minutes early? You can bet we’re going to leave early! Humans need structure and boundaries. We thrive better in a structured environment, which is why most of us we are not feral.
Electronics (and the wi-fi) are privileges in our house, not rights. They already have limited time to be on them, and they need to unplug at least 30 minutes before bed. So when they’re not following rules (the rules that THEY wrote during a family meeting! C’mon!) that’s typically the first to go. And if their grades don’t meet standards? No electronics 🤷🏼♀️ Ask them how much fun it is to be unplugged for six weeks until a new progress report comes out. They can all speak from experience.
As parents, we have one shot at raising productive, competent, compassionate people. And thankfully, when we mess up (which we totally will), we have tomorrow. Nothing is set in stone. We have seven kids in our house. They are all different, they all have their own talents, strengths, and weaknesses, and that forces us to constantly evolve as parents. If one thing isn’t working, try something else. If someone isn’t responding the way you’re desiring, change it up.
I know I have mentioned our family meetings before… We don’t do them often; maybe a few times a year. We address what’s working, what’s not, and what needs to change. We revise house rules as needed (we recently downsized down to four). We make family plans, discuss sports, schedules, and school expectations.
If you would like to have your own family meeting, I suggest you come up with a general outline of things you would like to discuss, and then give the kids some time to talk about things that are important to them. Make sure to start and end on positive notes (a positive sandwich!), and we always try and wrap the night up with a family game, because it’s important to strengthen those family bonds and – you guessed it – end with happy feels all around (it’s all about the positivity!). Just remember to keep it simple. They’re kids, and their attention spans are as short as they are.
Today, I am grateful for my kids, and the lessons they give me. Every day they make me grow!
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