Welcome, friends! Today, I am grateful for a kickass daughter who – and I quote – “I broke up with him because he was toxic for me.” Ab and I totally have our struggles, but she is so FIERCE sometimes and there are days I want to be just like her! How many sixteen year olds do you know that have the capacity to first RECOGNIZE a toxic situation and then STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES?! One. I know one. You’re the best, Abigail 😘
“What’s working, what’s not, and what needs to change.” This is my absolute FAVORITE conversation starter to discuss difficult topics. When Mike and I first combined households, it was not smooth sailing. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Kids were at war. No one got along. Everyone was in each other’s business. Mike and I side-eyed each other, wondering how on earth we were going to make this work. It was effing miserable.
After lots of arguing, building tension, and failed family meetings, I finally took my kids out so we could talk. I needed to give them space to verbalize their feelings and their concerns.
We started our conversation with “what’s working” about our new home life. They all agreed that they enjoyed family dinners, game nights, and they liked their new chore charts (organization, friends! My kids have at least a little of me in them 🤣).
And then I asked them what wasn’t working. My boys, who have their own last names from their dads, did not like that Mike labeled everything in the house “Snod”. They also didn’t appreciate when I deferred to Mike for permission and punishments. I think that’s a latent habit that I just grew accustomed to in my previous relationship, but it really bothered my kids that I wasn’t more assertive as THEIR mom.
We then came up with a list of solutions (the change that they would like to see happen). We all sat down with Mike and I facilitated the conversation to help make sure my kids’ voices were heard, and we agreed on the things that we could all work on – the boys could write their names on their things, and Mike would no longer label communal items with Snod. We also agreed that I would be more direct in giving permission or disciplining; if I was not available, they would respect and listen to Mike.
In all families, ESPECIALLY blended ones, it is important to be united as parents. It’s also important for us to stand up for the children we brought into the relationship, and that can sometimes be a delicate balance. If possible, have discussions in private so as to maintain the united front.
We had the same conversation with Wyatt, Mike’s son. He has the hardest time transitioning between houses, because he is going from one house where it is JUST his mom, and coming to our house where there are, like, a hundred people around. He needed his personal space respected, and he also really enjoyed our chore list (I am telling you, they crave structure and consistency!) and family game nights.
I think this was a huge way for Mike and I to show all of the kids that we respect them and want to make sure we are demonstrating it in ways that are meaningful to them. It is SO important to let kids have a voice, and for them to feel respected and safe to express their feelings and frustrations.
Mike and I have also used this to guide some of our own tough conversations, and it’s been really helpful in resolving issues we’re having. This template starts out addressing positive things you enjoy about the situation/relationship, which helps soften the blows of the more difficult topics, as well as provides us a path in which to agree on a solution.
I hope this information has helped you today, and given you some ideas on how to handle conflict resolution! Even if there’s no real conflict, this is a great conversation template to check in and make sure everyone is on the same path.
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So love to see how you have grown Erin. Life is a challenge for sure and you have pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and met them head on it appears. I pray your kids thrive and do well as they are at an age where they will be more challenging to you and Mike….Every day is a gift from God. My motto now