Guys.. I am BLOWN AWAY with how many times my last post has been shared, and how many people have told me how healing and inspiring it was. If you haven’t read it yet, click here. PLEASE share it – and this – so others can read it also. We have a message to spread, we have a problem to fix, and we need to step in for our children.
The Problem.
Our children are killing themselves at an unprecedented rate. As of this writing, in the last 17 days, our small community has lost FOUR LIVES to suicide. It is terrifying, and no one is stepping in and helping. And you know what? I’ve accepted that, and you should too. These are OUR kids and WE need to do a better job raising them. We need to spend time with them, we need to love them, we need to build relationships with them, and we need to teach them how to take care of themselves.
The system is failing our children, but when did they become responsible for raising our children? We can be frustrated and complain, or we can step UP and take action. We need to better equip our children. We need to be a safe place for their friends to come and talk. WE need to BE the solution.
So.. What Do We Do?
I wrote these tips as part of my last article, but they’re applicable here also. It doesn’t matter if your children are 1 or 18, please, implement these steps in your home today.
- Talk to them. Talk about what they’re going through, discuss their relationships, their dreams, their frustrations. We all reach a point where our teens will huff and roll their eyes, but imagine the pain they feel when they’re ignored by the ones closest to them? Show up. Make it awkward. Be there. They notice, and it means the world to them.
- Give them words to use for their feelings. That will empower them and give them the skills that they need to work through their emotions. Be understanding. Telling them to not be emotional is telling them that their feelings do not matter, that they are not valid, and they should not be addressed.
- Teach them to say when they’re not okay, and teach them that asking for help is the strongest thing they can do.
- Give them tools. Teach them to journal. Teach them how to be grateful. We do a nightly gratitude session at dinner and our kids love it.
- Go to therapy. Talk so OPENLY that they think everyone else is the weirdo for not addressing their mental health!
- Model mental wellness. Let them know when you are sad or depressed, and let them know what you do to work through it. Let them see you be grateful.
- Love them unconditionally. Kids can be difficult, I know. They are selfish, messy, and constantly testing our limits. We pick them up, we clean them, and we love them. Over and over and over. If you are ever in doubt about how to handle a parenting situation, choose love. Withholding that love is the most painful, destructive thing you can do to them so don’t do that, no matter what. Sometimes we need to love them with boundaries in place, but we still love them.
If we practice these tools with our children so regularly and so consistently, they will, in turn, use these tools in their own relationships.
Mike and I have had so many conversations with our kids letting them know when we have failed as parents… Either losing our temper or not being consistent with rules.
If you are starting these tips TODAY, I suggest you start your conversation with an apology. We are learning every day how to be parents, just as they are learning every day how to be kids. Apologizing for our shortcomings builds trust. They of all people know how perfectly imperfect we are.
Be kind.
Our kids set the house rules, and we revise them as needed. One of the rules that never changes is BE KIND. Our children in particular, unfortunately, know what it feels like to lose a sibling to suicide. Sure, it’s made them more susceptible to depression and statistically more likely to commit suicide themselves, but it has made them more sensitive. Kinder. Softer. They know, too intimately, what happens when you don’t reach out for help.
My daughter Abigail made a beautiful post on facebook, and she ended it with “mental health is a serious thing and if you’re not reaching out to get help then I encourage you to reach out and give help” and I could not agree more! If we’re not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem. Be active in the lives around you. People are dying. Be kind.
I let my children know that very rarely does someone else’s snarky attitude have anything directly to do with them (remember, we are NOT special snowflakes in this house, and the world does not revolve around our bright shiny stars we created). People often have poor attitudes related to their personal circumstances. Maybe Billy’s parents are getting divorced. Maybe Dan didn’t have food in his house for dinner the last three nights. Maybe Todd just failed his math exam.. Not to be all negative, but a lot of home lives are far from perfect. Is yours? Ours sure isn’t. Teach your child if someone is being nasty to them, to rise above and choose to be kind. We don’t often know what others are walking through.
Be social.
And no… NOT social media! Bring back face to face interaction. My DREAM when I was younger was to be the cool mom, and have the cool house where all of the kids wanted to be. Encourage your children to maintain their friendships.
Why? Social media may provide a way to communicate, but it also encourages isolation.
Here is an excerpt from this amazing article:
“Be aware that a constant connection to your phone and social media isn’t good for your mental and physical health,” Headlee reminds us. “Treat it the way you would candy or french fries: Don’t gorge.” Social media is a double-edged sword.
Being on your smartphone can drain the energy that could’ve been spent engaging in real-life interactions with your friends or family. Social media is never the prescription for staving off boredom, anxiety, or loneliness. At the end of the day, your favorite people are.
Research shows that good friendships are vital to your health. More specifically, having close friendships correlates to functioning better, especially as we get older. A recent cross-sectional study of over 270,000 adults found that strains from friendship predicted more chronic illnesses. So don’t keep your friends at arm’s length, locked in your phone and DMs.
“Friends exist to provide us with shoulders to cry on when things fall apart,” Dunbar says. “No matter how sympathetic someone may be on Facebook or even Skype, in the end it is having a real shoulder to cry on that makes the difference to our being able to cope.”
Put down the phones. Interact with your children. Encourage them to maintain face-to-face friendships. Give them opportunities to hang out with buddies after school, and during the summer. Be the taxi driver! Do you know what the best time to talk to your kids is? In the car! You’re within close proximity, but there’s limited eye contact which gives them more freedom to say things they may not otherwise.
Be positive.
I know I have said over and over and over again how we do a gratitude session during dinner… We do it because it is PROVEN to provide RESULTS, and we have witnessed it firsthand. Even thinking about positive memories or things you are grateful for releases those feel-good endorphins.
This is why we listen to inspirational books in the car, while doing chores, even when we are out camping… And did you know Amazon has a station called “happy music?” Ninety percent of the time that’s what’s flowing through our home.
Set a positive environment. Stick positive affirmations on your kid’s doors, mirrors, inside their backpacks. Fill them up with so much positivity, that is the only thing that spills out of their cup.
Let your kids pick out some notebooks or journals, and encourage everyone to write for a few minutes each night. Do not – DO NOT – read them unless you have permission, or are concerned (and even then I suggest you ask permission). Trust goes both ways, guys.
Be empathetic.
Our children mimic us, and if they see us displaying empathy, they will learn how to be empathetic towards others. Empathy is the ability to understand and share feelings that belong to someone else – a trait we know our kids aren’t born with (have you seen how ferocious our toddlers get?!).
Teaching empathy helps our kids see things from others’ perspectives. It helps them understand others’ emotions, and how their actions can positively and negatively affect those around them.
Mike told me many times that his kids grew up as two only children because their age difference was so great. Wyatt behaved very much like an only child, and he had a really hard time adjusting to sharing space and being considerate of others in his home – an area he previously occupied without a bunch of other people around.
Wyatt would grab his dinner plate, and sit down at the table and wait to be served. He would get upset if things weren’t handed to him first. I’m sure it was a huge adjustment on his part, and Mike’s – one that they didn’t even realize Wyatt hadn’t yet made.
We had lots of conversations with him about being considerate, waiting his turn, thinking of others’ and their feelings. We would point out when other people were happy or sad and asked him to describe how those emotions made him feel When he experienced them, and then related it back to that person.
If Wyatt just grabbed one dinner plate, he was then responsible for setting the entire table. If he cut in front of others, he would have to wait and be last. It was a very humbling and painful learning experience for him, but it gave off absolutely amazing results.
He is now the most thoughtful young man, and is very much aware of the people around them and their needs and is considerate in regards to their feelings. We are both extremely proud of how much he has grown.
We also like to use movies or books for examples to inspire empathy. The other night, we watched The Blind Side with the boys, and we paused the movie several times to have discussions about the emotions portrayed, and the difficult situations. We discussed how they don’t know their own classmates’ backgrounds, and how important it is to always – you guessed it – be kind.
Be resilient.
Mike and I had a brainstorming meeting the other night about a new project with some partners, and I was also blessed with the opportunity to pick a pediatrician’s brain earlier that day; one of the topics that came up both times was the lack of resiliency children and young adults in general have.
During our meeting, Mike told us about when he joined the military at age twenty-eight, and one of their trainings was on mental resiliency.
The training was mind-numbing to him because the class is geared towards 18-22 year-olds without much life experience (or common sense). But, the thing is, common sense isn’t so common anymore.
Like we have discussed previously, children today are lacking A LOT of basic life skills. We can point fingers, or we can solve the problem. I vote to solve the problem. Let’s figure out the pieces these kids are missing, and step in and teach them!
Resiliency is the capacity to quickly recover from difficulties or hardships. Resiliency is the ability to recognize that difficult times are temporary, and having unwavering hope that things will get better.
When we step in and argue with a teacher or go toe to toe with a coach, we’re not letting our kids sit in the suffering they most likely created. We’re not letting them experience the consequences, and we’re not teaching them how to handle a tough situation and grow and learn and know that things will get better.
It is OKAY TO FAIL. Failing is not an option. Failing is how we learn. Accepting failure, learning from failure, turning failures into successes is the ART OF RESILIENCY.
If you are reading this post, chances are you ARE an amazing parent. You care, and you want to make a difference. But by shielding our children from mistakes and learning experiences, we are taking away the opportunity for them to learn from their choices.
I know it’s painful to see our child suffer, and knowing we can step in and fix it makes it even harder to take a step back. But slapping a bandaid on the problem only hurts them further because it gives them a false sense of security that there are NO consequences for them, and they will not learn to navigate the real world.
Teaching our children resiliency is allowing them to follow through on having a zero for a missed test, and recovering their grade through dedication and hard work and applying themselves. It’s letting them walk through a tough situation and teaching them that it is temporary and things do get better.
The hardest part about parenting (aside from losing a child) is stepping back and letting them suffer. But they won’t learn how to walk through difficult times and come out ahead if we throw our magic cape over them and skip to the good parts.
Let your child experience the good and the bad. Encourage them, walk with them, and cheer them on. We will all benefit from letting our children learn resiliency.
Be alert.
We need to be aware of the signs someone may be at risk of attempting suicide. They include:
- Talking about wanting to die
- Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as online searches
- Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
- Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
- Talking about being a burden to others
- Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
- Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
- Sleeping too little or too much
- Withdrawing or isolating themselves
- Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
- Extreme mood swings
We need to be alert to recognize these signs in our children, and we need to teach them to get their spidey senses to detect them in their peers.
We missed a lot of these with Samshel. Please, be aware.
Teach them to care for their mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, and physical health. If they can tell you when their tummy is upset or they have a cut on a finger, they can tell you when they are sad, depressed, frustrated, happy, nervous, etc. Give them words to put with their feelings. Teach them their mental health is SO important to take care of. We take our vitamins = we journal. We go to well visits = we talk to a therapist. And so on.
Check-in regularly with your kids. We have a lot of children in our house. If you have more than one, grab one (and rotate through) to run errands for you. I swear, my mom would bribe me with a shopping trip just because she knew on the car ride I would not shut my mouth, and I would give her all sorts of insight to my teenage self. Take your child to the grocery store, or to change the oil in the car so you have the opportunity for one on one time to chat.
Go to parent-teacher conferences. As soon as our children are school-aged, do you know who spends the most amount of time with them for the next 18 years? You got it. Their teachers. Use that time to check in on your kid; not only their academics but their social lives and personality quirks as well. At the beginning of each school year, I like to touch base with my kids’ teachers and let them know we welcome texts or emails if there are any concerns. I think it takes a lot of stress off their shoulders knowing that we are open to communication.
Be part of the solution.
We don’t need to wait until a new program comes out, or more counselors are hired. We need to parent our children. In times where we can outsource everything and see immediate results, this is something we need to do on our own. Investing in our children is a lifelong process.
We need to love them so they learn to love others. We need to be kind to them so they are kind to others. Whatever we pour into them, God willing, will be fruitful. These babies we made, we are responsible for.
Show up for them. Be there in their corner, cheering them on, and picking them up when they fall. Teach them. Love them. Let them know you are 100% there, no matter what. My children know I better be the first one to share good and bad news with.
These are our children. This is our responsibility. We have to step in and be the solution.
It starts with us.
Please visit our new website, www.teenpositively.com where we intend to inspire and encourage our youth.