Marble Jar Friends

I’ve been listening to Daring Greatly by Brené Brown on Audible, and in the chapter I was working through today she discussed a difficult situation her daughter had experienced.

To add some perspective, her daughter is in the earlier years of grade school, so her life’s problems aren’t terribly relatable to us, but the analogy Brené used is perfect for any age.

Her daughter’s teacher has this jar in her classroom. When the children are being collectively good, she will put a handful of marbles in the jar. Conversely, when the students are misbehaving she will remove a handful of marbles. When the jar is full, the entire class gets a prize.

The girl had her feelings hurt by a fellow classmate, and swore she would never trust another friend again. Brené used the marble jar as a reference, and asked her daughter if she had any ‘marble jar’ friends – people that fill up her jar, and people who have jars that she fills. She got excited, listing off all the marble jar friends she has.

It got me thinking… I’m closer to forty now than I am to thirty, but the past several years haven’t really been about maintaining friendships. Granted, not many people get divorced and married as frequently as I have, but I imagine collectively my age group is focused on their immediate family and building their careers.

Do I have marble jar friends? I can count on one hand the people I know I could rely on during an emergency, or who would be available if I really needed them. Am I their marble jar friend? Can they rely on me? Am I there for them when they need it most?

The answer kind of stings. I can remember a time I forgot about a lunch date, and she has already ordered her lunch so she had to eat by herself. I can remember a time where I turned down several invites to meet up with a friend, so she found someone else to spend her time with.

There are some things I can improve on in order to be a good marble jar friend… I have been so wrapped up in my own life and my own problems that I haven’t really been present for the people who matter most to me.

Are you a marble jar friend to those around you? Do you fill their jars with trust, friendship, and memories? I hope you do. But if you are a little convicted by this post like myself, I hope you make the necessary steps to fill the jars of those around you.

What are some ways we can maintain relationships and show our friends that we care, as adults? As nice as it would be to sit around and drink coffee in a café all day a la Friends, or meet up nightly for martinis like tha gals on Sex in the City, we tend to have a bit more responsibility and commitment, you know, in real life.

Showing others we care about them and they matter to us can be as simple as not waiting 3-5 business days to respond to a text. Or, it could be being the first to send a text. Just a quick, “Hey, how’s everything going? I know we’re both busy, but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you!” Send a meme! One of my girlfriends and I can spend weeks communicating 100% in memes. We think it’s hilarious; our husbands totally don’t get it.

Remember how we talked about scheduling self care? Self care can also include quality time for friendships. So put something on the calendar, and stick to it! Last summer a gal and I had to schedule lunch SIX WEEKS out. But you know what? We both put it on our calendars, and we both showed up because it was important to us.

“A good rule of thumb when it comes to our relationships is to care more about doing what’s right than being right.” – Compassion is the last step on how to maintain friendships in this article over at Psychology Today. Make sure you are showing up for your friends, and invest more than you expect to receive in return. That doesn’t mean be a doormat, nor do we need to keep tabs on who is doing how much how often. Being a good friend means focusing on filling their jar without keeping score.

We all deserve marble jar friends, regardless of our age ❤️

Today, I am grateful for MY marble jar friends. There may only be a few, but I appreciate you SO much!

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