I am sorry you hurt so badly that you thought you had no other escape from the pain than to take your own life.
I’m sorry you thought you didn’t matter, that you weren’t worth living or loving any more.
I am so sorry that we didn’t see the pain behind your smile or the tears behind your eyes.
I am sorry you felt like you couldn’t reach out.
The thing is, your depression lied to you. You DO matter. You always will, and now we have a huge hole where you used to fit in our lives.
We loved you so much, and now all of that love we can’t give you anymore is bottled up. It is so heavy to carry around without you here.
Depression is a monster, and it wins by making you think you’re nothing.
Depression isolates you from your family and your friends, and tricks you into thinking you don’t matter.
Depression lies.
Depression kills.
Depression stole you from us, and now we too have nowhere to turn.
If I could talk to you one more time, I would tell you how loved you are. How amazing you are. How you changed my life for the better.
I would tell you to hang in there, and I would immerse myself so far into your life that you wouldn’t feel alone anymore. I would smother you with friendship and love until your heart didn’t feel so empty.
If you were still here, I would wrap my arms around you until your soul felt warm again.
I would let you know that if you left, your family’s hearts will irreversibly shatter into a million pieces with grief.
The thing you need to know is that when you left, your pain and sadness didn’t end. Depression lied to you about that also. It just transferred to the rest of us.
When you left, we felt lost and empty and worthless. We wondered in anguish what we did wrong.
We cried out in pain and grief.
You were loved. You will always be loved. And the holes in our hearts will remind us every day what life is like without you.
Depression lied to you, because you meant the world to us. You mattered.
And now you are missed so very much.
Please, I beg of you.. If you are thinking about ending your life, reach out and talk to someone. There are so many people in your life that will come in and love you until you can love yourself again. This is not hopeless, and this is not for ever. You matter SO MUCH.
Thank you Mike and Erin. I can’t know the pain you are in. Just know that Emma and I loved Samshell and think of her so often. Depression and suicide have touched our family many times. I have immersed myself into Emma’s life.I talk to her all of the time and show her how loved she is.