Today, I am grateful for all the lessons my children have taught me. Without these kids I would not be the woman I am today. They have humbled me, broke me and molded me into the woman before you.
I honestly don’t know what else there is to say about parenting….. Parenting is hard. Often the mere act of raising these bizarre creatures leaves you speechless. It is the most exhausting, selfless job we will ever have. And one day, I hear, we will see the fruits of our labor blossom.
Abigail is sixteen now. And I swear any curse my dad put on me to have a child just like me came back tenfold. She is the hardest person I have ever had to deal with. She is the opposite of me in so many ways, except her temperament and stubbornness, which is super awesome because I feel like we argue allllll the time.
Prior to being blessed with the immense task of being her mother, I was pretty set in my ways. Black and white. One path only. I was always right (shh, don’t tell Mike I’m not).
So it shouldn’t have been a shock to me that she had to buck the system. That seems to be the parenting version of Murphy’s Law. If I said go right, she went left. If I said it was cold outside, she would put on a tank top and shorts (for real. She smuggled shorts to change in to at school in DECEMBER when she was in first grade). You get the picture.
Last spring Ab decided she had enough of me and my rules, and told me that she would be “happier and more productive on her own“. I said great, and told her to leave her phone and her car keys because I would not fund her delinquency. I was confident in my ability to call her bluff, and figured she would be back within three days.
Just to spite me, she stayed away for three weeks. She couch surfed with friends, went to school, and checked in every couple days. It was infuriating. I made her promise that if she ever ran out of safe places to stay, she would call me. And, three weeks later, she asked me if I would pick her up. I’m not sure which one of us was more humbled that day.
I still remember when she asked if she could have her phone and car back. “But I thought things would go back to the way they were,” she said with the biggest eyes I have ever seen and the most innocent voice I have ever heard. It was SO HARD for me to stick to my punishment. But she left the safety of my net. I could not reward her behavior, or my words would mean nothing anymore. I calmly told her that she would have to pay her insurance and purchase her car as it had been given freely to her before and she did not appreciate it. She also had to pay her cell phone bill before she could have her phone back. Mike was shocked that I never once caved, although internally I wanted to thousands of times. It’s hard watching your children suffer, and I truly believe it is more painful for us to take a step back and them wallow in the discomfort of their own mistakes, when we could easily step in and smooth things over. “This hurts me more than it hurts you!” was something my parents would say. Why yes, yes it does.
Abigail has been asking to get her GED since she started high school. I have tried to push her, as gently as I could, to overcome her social anxiety and fears, and I have failed. This summer I had several long conversations with Mike, with Abigail’s dad and stepmom, and debated heavily on what to do with her.
I felt like her school failed her even more than I had as they continually made false promises to get her caught up on her credits, then stacked her schedule with two math classes, two English classes, and two science classes. They removed her from her favorite class, art, despite her tears and pleas to stay put. I too was given false hope when I would go in and talk with them and was promised “next semester she will be in credit recovery.” “Oh, we meant the semester after this one.” It was no wonder she didn’t pass tenth grade.
After months of contemplation, I finally spoke with Abigail about getting her GED. She was elated. She became motivated, and did all of the legwork on enrolling and paperwork and processes. She starts in a few short weeks at the community college, then plans on taking some general courses after completion. She is working part time at a nearby grocery store, and has been increasingly helpful around the house.
I have faith that I am doing right by her. This might not have been my path, nor one I would’ve approved of earlier, but this is her path and all I can do is encourage her to be successful her own way.
When our children are younger, we are hands on 24/7. We’re responsible for every ounce of milk that goes into their body, we’re responsible for diligently burping the excess air that they unintentionally swallow out of their tiny bellies so they remain comfortable. We keep their bottoms dry and their heads warm. We teach them how to walk and talk, and we let go little by little. We let them go to preschool for a few hours each day and trust someone else to take care of their needs. We carefully pick their play dates and supervise their interactions with others, so that we may intervene as needed.
And then slowly, we have to shift and trust them to take care of themselves. We have to give them room to fail, yet remain close enough to be their safety net when they fall and cushion the many blows life has to offer. We have to give them space to discover themselves, their likes and dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses. We have to encourage them to go down the right path, to stay out of trouble, to make the right choices.
And one day we have to let go for good. We have to step back, and them fly or fall. Have we done all that we could? I can’t count how many sleepless nights I have had worried about any one of my children’s safety. Does that ever get any easier?
Mike and I have seven children under our roof. He encourages me to step up my game, to be the best Mom I can be, and I do the same for him. We (mostly) lovingly call each other out when we’re not meeting those expectations. Our own standards have waxed and waned as the years have gone by, and sometimes our only goal is to keep them alive. But even that is something we have failed. We attempt to treat them as individuals, because they are all so very different. We’ve won and lost, and we wake up every morning with the determination to do everything we can for them, to support them, and to help them become the best versions of themselves, and that’s the best that we can do as parents.
In my nearly seventeen years of parenting, I have made many mistakes. And hopefully, hopefully I have done some things right. My encouragement to you is to be on the same page with your spouse (or co-parent, if they are not toxic to interact with). Encourage each other, because your children sure as hell aren’t going to high-five you for doing the hard things. Bounce ideas off your friends, your therapist, their teachers, and your own parents. Read books, read blogs, make some parenting boards on your Pinterest page.
What are some wins that you have had as parents? What do you think is most important in your relationship and interaction with your children? Drop some comments below, follow my blog so you never miss a new post, and check out my Pinterest page for more ideas and inspiration!
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