We will start out with a bit of history, since I have a feeling this will be quite the journey!
About me… I graduated high school while eight weeks pregnant, married my high school sweetheart, and happily stayed home with our three children until the day I found out he was dating other people. Maybe I would’ve been a bit more cool with it had it been discussed and agreed upon beforehand (probably not), but it wasn’t, so I found myself alone, 2500 miles from family, unemployed, and raising three children.
I put myself through nursing school and rocked the single mom life. I met Jeff, we dated on and off, got pregnant, got married, had another baby, got divorced and high fived each other. Lesson learned: Friends Don’t Marry Friends. We have two great boys and could probably write encyclopedias on how to co-parent. Somebody needs new shoes? Sweet, it’s my turn to buy something. Your family is in town visiting? Heck yeah we can change their schedule so they can see Grandma and Grandpa! You’re sick and need a break? No problem, I’ll get them from school.
I lost my mom when I was sixteen. She fought depression for most of her life, and gave in to the battle at the age of 39. My dad raised my brothers (2) and I from there on out. My brother Alex is a nurse, has two kids, and I wish we could see each other every day. Ryan just married and also lives entirely too far away. I just danced with him at his wedding for the Mother of the Groom dance, and I think that sums up our relationship nicely. I will always have that kid’s back. My dad remarried, divorced, and remarried again (we both hope third times a charm).
Mike… Mike grew up in a way I didn’t know actually existed outside of 60’s tv shows. His parents are married (to each other!) and still live in the same house they raised their children in. He has a younger brother who is rocking the single dad scene in Reno with two young boys of his own, and a baby sister that is the most free-spirited butterfly I’ve ever met. Seriously, folks. She lives in an RV in the middle of the woods. And got married there just a few weeks ago. She is my spirit animal.
Mike lived up his 20’s single AND without kids (what the heck was that like?!) and then joined the army. He met a lady and her beautiful little daughter in the Philippines , fell in love with both, and brought them home. They married, had a son, and after years of unhappiness eventually divorced.
Down to the kiddos… I have Abigail, Zach, Brandon, Ethan, and Tim. Mike brought to our table Samshel and Wyatt. We recently added baby Oliver to the mix, and we’re not quite sure if he completes our family or not (my body is a little more sure of this. Babies wake up a lot at night. For real. And my thirty-four year old bod is not a fan!).
Like I said earlier, we lost Samshel two years ago. She was fourteen and our hearts hurt every day because we miss her so much. I think much of this blog will be about us growing and bringing pieces of her with us, because it makes it a little easier, if that’s even possible, to remember her. It softens the sharp blades of grief to keep her memory alive, to exclaim “Samshel, you better be watching this!” when something silly happens.
This is the second time in my life I have lost someone to suicide. Just as a quick PSA – I have met more than my quota there, friends. No one else is ever allowed to do that, mmkay? Call me at 2am, I don’t care. I will be there.
If my moms death took my breath away, Samshel’s cut me off at the knees. And on top of that I had children, family members whose old wounds from my mother had ripped wide open, a stepchild, a husband, and an entire community to comfort. I wonder sometimes how I still keep it together. Am I that strong, or am I becoming numb to all the pain and sadness? Some days I don’t know.
We are coming up on the date that she died. There are actually a few days that she left us, piece by piece, so we have four days to grieve her loss and that seems entirely unfair. The day she hung herself, but the paramedics brought her heartbeat back. The day they confirmed she was brain dead. The day we said goodbye to her body and she gifted so many others with life as an organ donor. One single day is torment enough. I am already steeling myself for the heads that will rest and the tears will flow on my shoulders. And I just answered my question.
I am strong. Because my tears are already flowing. I feel every step of this, sometimes more, because if I carry a bit of everyone’s else sadness then it will weigh less for those around me.
I hope you enjoy our story, and I hope that we can encourage you to take care of yourself and your loved ones. This blog has helped my own battle with depression immensely. There is no room for negative energy when all you’re throwing out there is positivity!
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